The first therapist you speak to is probably not the right one
Heyaa
Hope you’re good
One of the first reactions I’m often met with when people hear that I'm a therapist, is usually one of two things: "does that mean you can read my mind?" or a slightly worried "Oh no…", as if therapy were some kind of witchy craft. Most often, though, people are simply curious - almost everyone has their own idea of what therapy is, and many have experienced it themselves, or knows of someone who has at some point in their lives.
So - how do you find the right therapist in an overwhelming market where there are as many different therapists and therapies as there are people?
I think it's hard to pin down to a single ting. It comes from many things together, shaped by the needs and experiences of each client and therapist. It’s super complicated. That said, there are some common threads that make a good starting point, whether you're thinking about therapy for the first time or you're already in therapy and feel that something isn't shifting the way you'd hoped or want.
But first - let’s bring it back because I completely understand how we end up here. Earlier in my career, I’d thought that therapy was therapy - full stop. Meaning, that if anyone needed therapy for whatever reason then all they’d had to look for was ‘a qualified therapist’ and the first person that came up, would be the one. Although that would have been great - simple and straightforward - looking back, my understanding was fairly limited, as you'd expect at that stage. I pretty much assumed my psychology education would give me every tool I needed to work with every client, which unsurprisingly, isn't the case - thank gods for that!
Now that I’m more experienced - as a therapist but mainly as a human, I understand that no degree or training institution will ever produce two identical therapists. Each cohort may be trained in similar theories, modalities and tools, and some therapists go on to specialise in approaches such as EMDR, IFS or CBT, etc.. but what people often don’t consider is everything else that shapes a practitioner. As part of the clinical training, each therapist completes clinical placements in a sector of their choosing i.e. charities, private sector, third sector etc., and brings their own unique strengths, influences from their upbringing, social background and environment into the room, and all of this feeds into what they practise and how.
In fact, I’d say the most formative parts of psychotherapy training are the clients you’re exposed to, the support around you as a new therapist (both personal and professional), and your own personality, edges and creativity. What's even more interesting is seeing which clients are drawn to which therapist, and which types of therapy each therapist gravitates towards. That's something to unpick with your supervisor, ha!
Anyway, it's taken me years to begin to understand this. And even with all my experience in the therapy world, I can still feel overwhelmed and unsure when choosing a therapist for myself, so I really do know the struggle.
And that’s just the beginning. How many sessions do you give it before you commit? How do you know whether it’s the therapist or the type of therapy that isn’t working? The honest answer is that you can’t know straight away, and you’re not supposed to. You’re building a new relationship with someone consistent, secure and healthy, and your nervous system needs time and repetition to settle into that. That’s the simplified version of something far more complex, but you get the gist.
Choosing a therapist can therefore feel overwhelming when you think about all of these parameters and with no two people being the same, it makes sense that no two therapists are either. The field needs that variety, not because therapists are competing with one another, but because it means there's someone out there for everyone.
It’s also really common to ‘go through’ a few therapists before finding the right one you want to commit to. I sometimes compare this to the dating scene; some people may find their right person the first try, while others may have to kiss a few frogs before they find someone who feels right for them.
And, in a similar way, knowing whether a therapist is right for you starts with how you feel. Do they share values you align with? Do they feel trustworthy? Does something feel off? Then there are the equally important but more practical and ethical considerations. Which ethical framework do they work within? Do they hold clear boundaries in sessions? Does their approach suit what you want to explore or work on?
It can also really help to take some time to reflect on what you're hoping to gain from therapy before deciding what type of therapy to look for. For instance, one person may want support to process a relationship breakup, another might want to understand themselves and their neurodiversity better, and someone else might want to work through deeper, complex trauma and therefore is looking for specific evidence-based treatment. And, in more recent times, therapy is increasingly becoming a part of how people look after their mental health day to day, used for personal growth rather than to address a specific problem.
All of which is to say, there's no simple formula for finding the right therapist. I know, perhaps not what you were hoping to hear but its the truth
I’m not a list type of gal, but I’ve made one anyway in the hope that it might help someone. Here are a few things worth looking out for as you search for the therapist who’s right for you:
1. Get clear on what you want. Support through something specific? Space to understand yourself better? Deeper trauma work? Knowing this, even loosely, will help your search.
2. Trust your gut before you trust their bio. Credentials matter, but so does how you feel in the room (or on the screen) with them. If something feels off, be curious about what might be putting you off. As you do, you’re learning to listen to yourself and trust what you notice, which is a skill you can take into other areas of your life.
3. Check they’re properly qualified and registered. This one’s non-negotiable. Look for registration with a recognised awarding body (UKCP, BACP, BPS, HCPC, whichever fits the type of work they do). Psychotherapy is part of healthcare, and while it isn’t regulated as such (yet), registration means there’s accountability and an ethical framework behind the practice.
4. Get curious about their approach, not just their title. “Psychotherapist” or “counsellor” tells you very little on its own. Ask what modality they work in, why they work that way, and whether they have experience with what you’re bringing. Asking can feel uncomfortable, but making decisions about your own care is a big part of therapy. And if you find it hard to say what you need - say that. It’s a good place to start, and it tells your therapist where you’re at.
5. Ask about supervision. A good therapist is in ongoing clinical supervision themselves. It’s part of what keeps the work safe, reflective and accountable, and it’s a completely fair thing to ask about.
6. Notice whether they hold boundaries. A therapist who’s clear about session structure, cancellations, endings and the limits of the relationship is doing you a favour, even when it feels a bit rigid in the moment. Boundaries protect the relationship, so you both know what to expect.
7. Give it more than one session, but not endless ones. Your nervous system needs time and repetition to settle into a new relationship. That said, if it still feels wrong after several sessions, that’s information too. You’re allowed to leave, and you will not hurt your therapist’s feelings. The irony of this job is that the goal is to be out of it: we want our clients to feel confident and independent, and when therapy has served its purpose, that’s a gift for both of us.
8. Don’t assume the first “no” means therapy isn’t for you. Sometimes it just means that therapist wasn’t for you. Kissing a few frogs is normal, and it’s not a reflection on you or on therapy as a whole. And no, you’re not “bad at therapy”. You’re just human.
At the end of the day, there’s no perfect checklist that guarantees the right fit. But paying attention to these things can give you a better shot at finding someone you can build something meaningful with.
And it doesn’t have to be all at once. I work with a “revolving door” philosophy: many of my long-term clients come in and out of therapy as their lives evolve. My door stays open.
Thanks for reading this far
Have a lovely day,
Cindie
and the photo:I don't know why, but this piece made me think of Mulan (IYKYK)